maccraig1

freakshow

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 01:17:06 GMT

silence, i actually don't think iv'e ever heard utter and complete silence. i close my eyes and the cinderblock walls around me fade away into oblivion. its the noise, the noise around me that always brings me back to this empty room. even when i phase out some noises i still hear some. the sadistic laughter of the people around me. the banging of the fists against the wall. the whispers. the tremors. the rattles and the even the sound of... nothing.
i even see things that are nothing, because the don't exist, well at least only in my head. i was yelled at today by my doctor cause im not taking my pills(i actually haven't since november, but nobody has noticed) the only time they actually notice is when i tell them. isnt that bullshit. you know why im not taking the pills. cause i want to be happy, ON MY OWN FUCKING TERMS!!! i don't want to stare at the constant bullshit around me and think happy thoughts not because im happy but because im on a fucking pill. if i feel like shit then i probably deserve to... if i feel happy then i probably earned it. i havent felt actually happy in a while, maybe i don't deserve it.

lock me up and throw away the key

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 05:22:32 GMT

missed classes all day, haven't left my room all day, probably wont go to classes tomorrow or the day after that, ect., havent talked to anybody in 2 days, havent eaten in 50 hrs. maybe its better off for everybody that things stay this way...

Another Day, Another Sad Goodbye

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 01:07:03 GMT

Johnathan Stilwell
born December 11, 1998
died October 4, 2007

so much life and energy. he was small for his age (much like me when i was little). he was a person wiser and bigger than his body could sustain. he was a true genius in every sense of the word. i remember teaching him basic piano since he was 3. like me he had a passion for music. i wish i had his happiness and his smile, even though i know he looked up to me, i always envied him. to be able to find that bit of sunshine behind every cloud; every rainbow before the storm ended.

he died today in a car accident. in his absense there is a wound in the body that is this family, the wound will never heal but still the body will persevere

even though he was one of my cousins i always had more of a connection with him more than my other older cousins. in a way he was more like my little brother if i had one.

may you rest in peace my good friend

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 06:24:18 GMT

had a bad day, i had a seizure in class, and i had an anxiety attack and punched my wall several times
(doesn't quite work anymore since i have cement walls)
but at the end today i felt relaxed and realize alot about my life.
- theres times that i regret not saying or doing something
- theres been times that i have said things in the heat of emotions
that haunt me.
- i really hate myself, and i can't seem to get past that.(i feel guilty that
everyone ive ever really cared about has tried to make me see differently
but it still doesnt work)
- i really want 'her' to be happy and im glad to see that shes with somebody
that will actually do that
- i really regret alot of what ive put other people through
- i wish that i could live in the here and now, but im haunted
by my past
- im so scared now to open up to people (i opened up and got really hurt)
- im not suicidal anymore but yet i still feel self-destructive
- i really just don't trust people, its not that ive been lied to so much, its just
that i feel that people only tell be what they want me to know
(im not as naive as people think i am, so dont underestimate me)
- *sigh* its official i am almost completely deaf in my left ear
(thank god that my right ear was always my good ear)
- i can't stop thinking about 'her', even after so long, i think what made things
worse was how abrupt it happened. i never saw it coming
- i really want to be her friend, but its just too painful
- i wish i could see me the way others see me, but its hard
(especially since i can never tell if they're being sincere about the way
they see me)

ON ANOTHER NOTE: ACL:
the first day i saw lcd soundsystem, spoon and then was really close when bjork came on
i was really impress maybe because ive never heard her music

the second day was alright, i only saw 2 bands i actually like. first was blue october and then i sat thru
damien rice so i could be closer to the stage when muse went on. muse was fucking awsome.

the third day was the longest but the most worth it. from 3:00 pm to 8:30 pm i sat and stood at the same stage
(mostly because there was no one else that day that i wanted to hear). i sat and stood through bloc party and
my morning jacket (both of which i didnt really like). but it was all worth it, cause at 8:30 i was at the very front
(center stage at the security barrier) when Bob Dylan came on. alot of people i know didn't like the show alot (i loved it maybe
because i was so close). i was also expecting differently than what other people were expecting (thats why i wasnt dissapointed)
Bob Dylan is one of my favorite musicians (and coincidentally one of the only ones still alive) and it was a breath taking experience
to see him.

i was really saddend when my digital camera broke on sunday before dylan went on, so i was forced to use a disposable camera, and then i went to get the film developled the photos were all black (disposable cameras have terrible flash on them). as dissapointed as i was, i don't really need pictures, its was one of the most memerable concerts of my life.

Shocking!!!

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 05:14:27 GMT

PLEASE READ THIS, ITS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!

poke and prod me, shove wires and electricity through me. put me in a cage get a better understanding. that kind of mentality is not a way of helping, it is a way to conforming what you dont understand. turning you into something that complies, that does what its told, that is told to see and deal with the shit that he sees every fucking day and is forced to accept it, wait not only to accept it but to either be unphased by it or to find something positive that balances out the negative that is everywhere.

somebody asked me yesterday if i heard voices. yeah i hear voices. the voices in my head that tell me to wake up in the morning, to try to be as happy as possible, and the voices that tell me to give in and avoid the inevitable(complete and total submission to what these 'so called' voices tell me to do). this tingling pain that seeps though my brain that consumes all rational thought. what does taking pills or even psychology do other than bring people that are different back into the same pathetic reality that is life. even my psychiatrist tells me "that even with the effort that im giving to get help myself that i will probably will feel bad more than i feel good and thats life". then why the fuck do i even bother doing taking these pills and taking about my feelings to someone who admits that what they are doing does not seem to be helping me. i know why, so they can continue to charge me outragous amounts of money and still have that warm fuzzy feeling that they are helping people. i guess that shit happens and that i have to deal with it in a better way, but why should i? because im told to. maybe the reason i react to things so badly is that that is the way that i am meant to or even deserve to.

and what is reality anyway, is it the individuals perception of everything? or is the majority of the human race once again dictating what is normal and what to think? the reason i am a psychology major is to make a new sense of understanding that everybodys reality is different and that instead of bringing them to mine or everybody elses reality, to help people understand their own perceptions and help them find a equilibrium sense of reality that they can cope with.

so i take the pills, talk to who im suppose to talk to and try to find peace of mind. but i there still something stopping me. this burning rage inside of me that i myself have no understanding of. this rage that makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, feel pain, even lash out. but i can't lash out. i would hurt myself before ever hurting another human being. because what is the worth of a man compared to another man, absolutely nothing . but yet i would still not harm someone because i dont think of myself in the same way as the way i think of others. real people with some kind of purpose, importance and at least worth. not the seething, decrepid, worthless slime of the earth that is constantly reminded that there is something wrong with him.

yesterday i lost a dear friend who 'was tired of dealing with me'. half of the reason i feel so bad is guilt. every morning, i wake up and keep my feelings pent up to avoid bringing every one down to my level. i feel guilty about feeling the way i do and ashamed of having certain thoughts altogether. i will miss your company mike, but you know what, FUCK YOU!!! and while I'm at it, FUCK ALL OF YOU who treat me more as a burden more than a friend. Those who are only my friend just because they pity me ( i had enough of that when i was a kid). TAKE YOUR PITY AND SHOVE IT!!! my friendship is not something that can be fucked around with. anyone that really understands me knows what my friends mean to me. i would defend them, comfort them, be there for them with all effort possible. i would die for my friends. i accept friends for their strengths and their flaws and i would appreciate the same fucking courtousy..... maybe thats my problem, i expect people to AT LEAST give the same respect that i give them. and you know what ... i don't get it, well at least from most people (there are a few exceptions)

im not trying to make anyone mad and if i do, then that is not my intent. im not apologizing for what i believe or say. i post on here on this live journal because my basic instinct around actual people is to either act happy, say that im alright and try to avoid going beyond that. these are my thoughts and maybe by reading this i might be able to say what im to afraid to say around actual people, so please cut me some slack. this is also how i get thoughts out of my head. appearently, one of the main symptoms of my bipolar is that i have racing thoughts. it causes me to over worry about things, not able to concentrate, function or act on a single idea and even calm myself down (one of the many reasons that i am unable to sleep is because i can't stop my brain from going into hyperdrive when it should be resting). imagine it, a million thoughts bouncing around all at the same time; infinite reasons and ideas and their slight alternative to everything. ideas that no matter how much i try to stop them repeat themself over and over. ideas that contradict eachother and cause even more confusion. i don't feel like apologizing because i also don't believe in forgiveness. i believe that there is only dealing with the consequences of every action. nobody is perfect, but i try to do my best to think about the repercussions of what i do, maybe thats why i haven't killed myself (and believe me, if i was really driven, i would do something that would succeed). most people don't even care till after the action. if they actually gave a damn about people other than themselves then maybe things would turn out different. a perfect example of this girl in my dorm that doesn't know how to filter what she says. she really hurt someone's feelings and i honestly don't think she intended to. the thing is, people that have no filter when they say something don't really intend to hurt anybody, they do it because they don't really care what they say. at times this applies to everyone, including me, but there are some people that ONLY do what they want to do to other people and say what they want to say to people because they DON'T REALLY CARE...

if i am FORCED to live then i will live it one my own fucking terms. if i choose to life in my own sense of reality, so be it. if i choose to find ways of detatching myself from reality, so be it. something pressed against skin, a slight movement, something pent up is suddenly released, a split moment of time stands still and then.... that sweet sweet release.... as best put by the beatles "happiness is a warm gun.

i don't know why i bothered posting this, its not like anyone is gonna read it, ive already spent an hour and half adding on and revising it

losing the fight

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 16:59:57 GMT

its not like i havent tried to think more positively, its not like I don't try to take peoples advice. this has nothing to do with what has happened or events in my life. honestly, when i try to really think about why i feel so bad i have no idea. things just don't seem to work anymore. talking to people about my problems just does'nt make me feel better anymore. taking people advice helps a little at first, but when it boils down to it, when i need it the most, my mind goes blank. my head is thinking a million thoughts a second and im struggling to keep up.

2 weeks ago i told my psychiatrist that the medicine im on just doesnt seem to be helping me, especially with these sudden mood swings. he's dumbfounded, he uped my dosage but told me if this doesnt work then im going to have to go in for ECT (Electroconvulsive Treatment aka shock treatment). in total hypocracy, if i refuse to go through with this proceedure then the option of choice will be taken away from me. if i don't go volunteerily then i will be forced to go.

Im really sorry, ive tried to be patient. in the last 10 months ive been on over 7 types of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. ive done everything to get better. But this is where i draw the line. I swear to god that i will kill myself before im made to go through with this, and this time its not going to be some pathetic cry for help thing or some wimpy attempt. this time ill make sure i succeed.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 02:02:48 GMT

years ago, i began playing music, painting, acting and writing as a way of expressing my inner most emotion and love. my wish was that what was inside would be recognized on the outside. over the last few months my emotions have done me nothing but harm and have become my worse enemy. now my only wish is to no longer feel emotion, pain or love. i would sell my soul to never have feelings ever again. death is my only solice. i see no difference between dying and my new wish.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 17:16:22 GMT

sorry i havent posted in a few days. i was unconcious for a few days there and then i went back into shoal creek rehab. still in alot of pain (course this was after i ripped out my stitches). i still can't take anything for the pain or my other medications or eat anything that has any value as food but oh well. i still feel generally like shit emotionally (so what else is new)

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 01:36:24 GMT

one last pill to remind me how cruel reality is
one last escape in the recesses of my mind
one last look at the world before i see through someone elses eyes
last call for a tune and my hands are too numb to play.

everything happens for a reason and its time for me to "sidestep" the goodbye

back to reality

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 18:44:39 GMT

still no donor. last night the man in the room next to me commited suicide by increasing his dose of morphine. im really worried, i cant eat, cant sleep and im too depressed to even listen to music. i cant stop thinking about lia, no matter what i do. if i die here in this hospital i'll die knowing that for that amazing year and a half she was mine.

they call it a liver cause you need it to live

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 01:28:20 GMT

im in the hospital. the drugs are good and the food isnt as bad as at home (meaning that my gramma hasnt set the house on fire by turning on the stove). its so fucking boring here but thank god for my laptop and internet access other wise id have to watch bad tv all day. zach and jen came to visit today, we've made a list of things im gonna do when i get out.
1. record my album: its taken me 3 years and 300 songs ive partially written to realize i should just take some of the best ones and record them. zach has agreed to be lead guitar and he said he'd find a drummer.
2. finish my play: ive already got in mind who im casting for the main parts (besides me)
3. get a job: ive filled out over 30 applications and still no replies, i guess ill just have to fill out 30 more.

mom brought a bunch of books that i have but never have read, one of them being kurt vonnegut's (one of my favorite writers) slapstick. it makes me laugh and so i though i'd share a few lines with everyone.

"the gravity is so light today, that i feel as though I might scamper to the top of the Empire State Building with a manhole cover, and fling it into New Jersey. That would be an improvement on George Washington's sailing a silver dollar across the Rappahannock. And yet some people insist that there is no such thing as progress. Hi ho."

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 03:13:18 GMT

feeling lower than dirt.
not worth killing and yet not worth living.
i wish i had an ego, then maybe i would care.

my liver is acting up again. its failing.... ive been put on a donor list... im scared....

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 09:15:39 GMT

every day i put on this charade and act like im happy. with every ounce of happiness is replaced with self-hatred ten fold. everyday i put on a mask and every night it breaks. maybe this is my crazy bi-polar general anxiety adhd side talking, but if it is then its the side of me that maybe i truely am. maybe i should take another pill and pretend that everything in my life is "ok". WELL ITS NOT!!! and try and try as i do to make it better i barely do enough to just stay alive. i dont trust people because i dont trust myself. and no one i have ever known has given me a reason to trust anybody. why? because deep down inside i feel like everybody is lying to me.....

as much as i know people ask me this because they care, please dont ask me again if im "ok"

there is only thing in my entire life that i can trust and that is music. music doesnt change.
it doesnt die or change or judge me like everything else.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 01:30:08 GMT

indulgence is a way of giving into the worst qualities of people. lately ive been a little bit more emotional than usual. i know im a sensetive guy but what ive been lately is something worse. emotions should never be who you are but should be an expression of your true self. no one ever got anywhere repressing all their feelings. in fact i believe that using emotions to their true potential is a form of self- actualization. im happy that i can do that. im not numb, i feel the sunshine on my face and feel happy, i cry when it is necessary, the rain invigorates me and i feel truely in tune with my surroundings. and with that i bid you goodnight, im going to sleep out on my roof and watch the stars.

end of friends

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 03:51:35 GMT

she said she still wanted to be friends. well... i dont want to be her friend anymore. no friend of mine would lie as much as she did to me and put someone through what she put me through. even though i miss her, its for the best. i dont want friends that want to be my friend just because they feel guilty about a breakup.

a new song

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 01:17:11 GMT

as always i am my worst critic and yet this song i wrote today was the first one im actually proud enough to post.
i havent put a melody to it so as of right now
its a poem....

Lyrically lament
Melodically inclined
the words lose there meaning
as they trail across my mind

emotions of passion
bleed across the page
praying for that special day
of freedom from this cage

the razor's edge is blurred in view
through moments of pain and strife
follow that guiding silver lining
down that winding road of life

shut up and take a pill

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 00:34:08 GMT

No pill should ever rob me of my emotions
no woman should ever do the same,
but she did and now i must suffer.
the pills have no effect.

my curse

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 06:30:13 GMT

as long as i remember, ive never had many friends. when i was 13 i had only 4 friends: David, Eric, Trish and Gwen. they were all at least 2 years older than me (as most of my friends are). David suffered from manic depression. he hung himself in his bedroom closet. I was the one that found him. Trish and Gwen died from a lethal mix of cocaine and heroine; drugs that they bought from Eric. Eric is now serving a life sentence in san antonio for killing a cop. and now my first girlfriend, amy. 3 years older than me, the butterfly. she was a complete jesus freak when i met her. in only 4 months of dating me she became a complete party animal and junky. there were times that i wished she was dead. but never from this..... she moved on and became a cop (even after she overdosed in police academy). and that is what brings us to the present. she got transferred to houston and was killed by a drunk driver. everyone ive ever gotten to close to, strange stuff happens. they left and leave me here, too afraid to get too close to anyone for fear that it will happen again.

forgive me but i havent slept in 4 days and i needed something to release all this torture. thats what i do. i take a piece of myself and make it into something. my music, my paintings, my acting and my love. it has made me weak, quiet and shy, but from it I use these emotions to make myself keep going. i dont care what people will say. have a good hard laugh at me for all i care. from every tease and joke made at my expense i grow stronger, because i know im beyond that.

silence

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:18:00 GMT

everything i touch dies and turns to dust. maybe i am really cursed....
everywhere i look for joy, sadness is not far behind
every day i continue hoping and striving for things to get better, but they don't
maybe its not the things and people i surround myself with, maybe its me....

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 03:14:44 GMT

what was once my heroine is now my poison
what was once my love is now my hate
what was once my embrace is now my shield

ive hardened up over the last few months, i could care less anymore about anything.....
my innocence is dead, i am just waiting for the rest of me to catch up

R.I.P AMY

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 01:21:27 GMT

i have a funeral to attend in houston on saturday......

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 23:38:31 GMT

back home. i had to get on my knees and beg though.
new rules:
1. i have to stop self medicating myself and take the medicine dosage my doctor prescribes
2. i cannot drive after dark (due to side effects of said medicine)
3. no more parties for a while
4. no more drinking (my mom even went out and got a breathilizer)
5. i was being made to quit rocky but for some reason they changed their mind
6. i must get a part-time job

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 01:44:14 GMT

living in my car was never my intention.
having no one to talk to.
no cell phone, no money
worst of all im too proud to tell anybody
i just walk around school all day and act like everything is fine
everybody doesnt know what i think about when i close my eyes
everybody walks away and leaves me alone.
maybe i do deserve to be back in shoal creek.
maybe i am really insane.

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 01:01:35 GMT

I write
I write songs that no one will ever hear
I write a play that im too afraid to finish
I write to take my feelings and release them
I write for the sake of writing

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 01:19:15 GMT

i joined a band today (lead singer), now im getting worried that i might be too busy. ive been doing too much lately, too much stuff for the sake of keeping myself busy. trying to not let my thoughts linger, trying to forget but not wipe my mind of the past. for those of you who didnt know i was in Shoal Creek Rehab (suicide ward) like only 2 & 1/2 weeks ago(i was there for 4 days). i had gotten to the point where i would just sit around the house and cry all the time. that was when i realized i needed help. that is not me and i dont ever want to be that again. if anything, what ive been through in the last few months i can know sit down and write songs. music has saved me once and it can do it again. if anything shoal creek has told me i need to take better care of myself. everything happens for a reason, while i was in there i met a guy who is now my piano teacher. everything that happens is meant to happen and i would never change the past because it has made me what i am.