PLEASE READ THIS, ITS IMPORTANT TO ME!!!

poke and prod me, shove wires and electricity through me. put me in a cage get a better understanding. that kind of mentality is not a way of helping, it is a way to conforming what you dont understand. turning you into something that complies, that does what its told,  that is told to see and deal with the shit that he sees every fucking day and is forced to accept it, wait not only to accept it but to either be unphased  by it or to find something positive that balances out the negative that is everywhere. 

somebody asked me yesterday if i heard voices. yeah i hear voices. the voices in my head that tell me to wake up in the morning, to try to be as happy as possible, and the voices that tell me to give in and avoid the inevitable(complete and total submission to what these 'so called' voices tell me to do). this tingling pain that seeps though my brain that consumes all rational thought. what does taking pills or even psychology do other than bring people that are different back into the same pathetic reality that is life. even my psychiatrist tells me "that even with the effort that im giving to get help myself that i will probably will feel bad more than i feel good and thats life". then why the fuck do i even bother doing taking these pills and taking about my feelings to someone who admits that what they are doing does not seem to be helping me. i know why, so they can continue to charge me outragous amounts of money and still have that warm fuzzy feeling that they are helping people. i guess that shit happens and that i have to deal with it in a better way, but why should i? because im told to. maybe the reason i react to things so badly is that that is the way that i am meant to or even deserve to.

and what is reality anyway, is it the individuals perception of everything? or is the majority of the human race once again dictating what is normal and what to think? the reason i am a psychology major is to make a new sense of understanding that everybodys reality is different and that instead of bringing them to mine or everybody elses reality, to help people understand their own perceptions and help them find a equilibrium sense of reality that they can cope with. 

so i take the pills, talk to who im suppose to talk to and try to find peace of mind. but i there still something stopping me. this burning rage inside of me that i myself have no understanding of. this rage that makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, feel pain, even lash out. but i can't lash out. i would hurt myself before ever hurting another human being. because what is the worth of a man compared to another man, absolutely nothing .  but yet i would still not harm someone because i dont think of myself in the same way as the way i think of others. real people with some kind of purpose, importance and at least worth. not the seething, decrepid, worthless slime of the earth that is constantly reminded that there is something wrong with him.

yesterday i lost a dear friend who 'was tired of dealing with me'. half of the reason i feel so bad is guilt. every morning, i wake up and keep my feelings pent up to avoid bringing every one down to my level. i feel guilty about feeling the way i do and ashamed of having certain thoughts altogether. i will miss your company mike, but you know what, FUCK YOU!!! and while I'm at it, FUCK ALL OF YOU who treat me more as a burden more than a friend. Those who are only my friend just because they pity me ( i had enough of that when i was a kid). TAKE YOUR PITY AND SHOVE IT!!! my friendship is not something that can be fucked around with. anyone that really understands me knows what my friends mean to me. i would defend them, comfort them, be there for them with all effort possible. i would die for my friends. i accept friends for their strengths and their flaws and i would appreciate the same fucking courtousy..... maybe thats my problem, i expect people to AT LEAST give the same respect that i give them. and you know what ... i don't get it, well at least from most people (there are a few exceptions) 

im not trying to make anyone mad and if i do, then that is not my intent. im not apologizing for what i believe or say. i post on here on this live journal because my basic instinct around actual people is to either act happy, say that im alright and try to avoid going beyond that. these are my thoughts and maybe by reading this i might be able to say what im to afraid to say around actual people, so please cut me some slack. this is also how i get thoughts out of my head. appearently, one of the main symptoms of my bipolar is that i have racing thoughts. it causes me to over worry about things, not able to concentrate, function or act on a single idea and even calm myself down (one of the many reasons  that i am unable to sleep is because i can't stop my brain from going into hyperdrive when it should be resting). imagine it, a million thoughts bouncing around all at the same time; infinite  reasons and ideas and their slight alternative  to everything. ideas that no matter how much i try to stop them repeat themself over and over. ideas that contradict eachother and cause even more confusion.  i don't feel like apologizing because i also don't believe in forgiveness. i believe that there is only dealing with the consequences of every action. nobody is perfect, but i try to do my best to think about the repercussions of what i do, maybe thats why i haven't killed myself (and believe me, if i was really driven, i would do something that would succeed). most people don't even care till after the action. if they actually gave a damn about people other than themselves then maybe things would turn out different. a perfect example of this girl in my dorm that doesn't know how to filter what she says. she really hurt someone's feelings and i honestly don't think she intended to. the thing is, people that have no filter when they say something don't really intend to hurt anybody, they do it because they don't really care what they say. at times this applies to everyone, including me, but there are some people that ONLY do what they want to do to other people and say what they want to say to people because they DON'T REALLY CARE...

if i am FORCED to live then i will live it one my own fucking terms. if i choose to life in my own sense of reality, so be it. if i choose to find ways of detatching myself from reality, so be it. something pressed against skin, a slight movement, something pent up is suddenly released, a split moment of time stands still and then.... that sweet sweet release.... as best put by the beatles "happiness is a warm gun. 

its not like i havent tried to think more positively, its not like I don't try to take peoples advice. this has nothing to do with what has happened or events in my life. honestly, when i try to really think about why i feel so bad i have no idea. things just don't seem to work anymore. talking to people about my problems just does'nt make me feel better anymore. taking people advice helps a little at first, but when it boils down to it, when i need it the most, my mind goes blank. my head is thinking a million thoughts a second and im struggling to keep up.

2 weeks ago i told my  psychiatrist that the medicine im on just doesnt seem to be helping me, especially with these sudden mood swings. he's dumbfounded, he uped my dosage but told me if this doesnt work then im going to have to go in for ECT (Electroconvulsive Treatment aka shock treatment). in total hypocracy, if i refuse to go through with this proceedure then the option of choice will be taken away from me. if i don't go volunteerily then i will be forced to go.

Im really sorry, ive tried to be patient. in the last 10 months ive been on over 7 types of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. ive done everything to get better. But this is where i draw the line. I swear to god that i will kill myself before im made to go through with this, and this time its not going to be some pathetic cry for help thing or some wimpy attempt. this time ill make sure i succeed.  

still no donor. last night the man in the room next to me commited suicide by increasing his dose of morphine. im really worried, i cant eat, cant sleep and im too depressed to even listen to music. i cant stop thinking about lia, no matter what i do. if i die here in this hospital i'll die knowing that for that amazing year and a half she was mine.

feeling lower than dirt.
not worth killing and yet not worth living.
i wish i had an ego, then maybe i would care.

my liver is acting up again. its failing.... ive been put on a donor list... im scared....

indulgence is a way of giving into the worst qualities of people. lately ive been a little bit more emotional than usual. i know im a sensetive guy but what ive been lately is something worse. emotions should never be who you are but should be an expression of your true self. no one ever got anywhere repressing all their feelings. in fact i believe that using emotions to their true potential is a form of self- actualization. im happy that i can do that. im not numb, i feel the sunshine on my face and feel happy, i cry when it is necessary, the rain invigorates me and i feel truely in tune with my surroundings. and with that i bid you goodnight, im going to sleep out on my roof and watch the stars.

as always i am my worst critic and yet this song i wrote today was the first one im actually proud enough to post. 
i havent put a melody to it so as of right now
its a poem....


Lyrically lament
Melodically inclined
the words lose there meaning
as they trail across my mind

emotions of passion
bleed across the page
praying for that special day
of freedom from this cage

the razor's edge is blurred  in view
through moments of pain and strife
follow that guiding silver lining
down that winding road of life

as long as i remember, ive never had many friends. when i was 13 i had only 4 friends: David, Eric, Trish and Gwen. they were all at least 2 years older than me (as most of my friends are). David suffered from manic depression. he hung himself in his bedroom closet. I was the one that found him. Trish and Gwen died from a lethal mix of cocaine and heroine; drugs that they bought from Eric. Eric is now serving a life sentence in san antonio for killing a cop. and now my first girlfriend, amy. 3 years older than me, the butterfly. she was a complete jesus freak when i met her. in  only 4 months of dating me she became a complete party animal and junky. there were times that i wished she was dead. but never from this..... she moved on and became a cop (even after she overdosed in police academy). and that is what brings us to the present. she got transferred to houston  and was killed by a drunk driver. everyone ive ever gotten to close to, strange stuff happens. they left and leave me here, too afraid to get too close to anyone for fear that it will happen again. 

forgive me but i havent slept in 4 days  and i needed something to release all this torture. thats what i do. i take a piece of myself and make it into something. my music, my paintings, my acting and my love. it has made me weak, quiet and shy,  but from it I use these emotions  to make myself keep going. i dont care what people will say. have a good hard laugh at me for all i care. from every tease and joke made at my expense i grow stronger, because i know im beyond that.

everything i touch dies and turns to dust. maybe i am really cursed....
everywhere i look for joy, sadness is not far behind
every day i continue hoping and striving for things to get better, but they don't
maybe its not the things and people i surround myself with, maybe its me....